Kristen- A Devious Beauty

            Part of what I like about summer classes is the fact that the campus isn’t over crowded.  There is always a parking space and the classes are smaller and filled with more attentive people.  They also give me a chance to get noticed.  I don’t know if Kristen noticed me when we both got out of our cars at the same time, but I sure noticed her.  I remember thinking “man, I hope she’s going to the class I’m going to.”  And in fact, she was.

            My first glance at Kristen made me skip a breath or two.  Her eyebrows were pronounced, both pointing to her sleek nose which was fixed above her mouth that, even in a frown has a way of smiling.  She had a devious beauty that I found irresistible.  I watched her walk toward the building in a white tee shirt and a pair of red athletic shorts and noticed that the girl had curves.  It’s safe to say that she drove me nuts from the get go.      

            This class was an even more condensed class than the usual summer class.  It took a little over two weeks to complete and we spent the majority of the time observing criminal court cases downtown at the courthouse… it was a wonderful class, one of my favorites.  I arranged a carpool for a few of my classmates and myself to get downtown in tandem and after a few days Kristen made her way to the back seat of my car to and from court.  We spent a lot of time in each others vicinity during the class but no time doing what I wanted to be doing, talking to her.  It was almost all group talk, as it should be after all, we were being graded.  One of the conversations, per Kristen’s input, stuck out in my mind.

            The court was taking a break so by default the class was taking a break as well.  We chatted about random things, I tried to keep it as court related as I could, but one young man mentioned a friend, I think, who had Crohn’s disease and how he had lost a ton of weight because of it.  I’m not sure why it was brought up or what the relevance was but I took note to Kristen’s response.  Actually I took offense to it.

            “I wish I had Crohn’s disease,” she said “that way I could be skinny.”

 Now I could tell it was a throw away remark but as the cliché goes “there’s a little bit of truth behind every ‘just kidding.’”  I remember thinking “if this girl doesn’t know how drop dead sexy she is, than someone in her life isn’t doing their job.”  I felt compelled to tell her this, but not right away… when the time was right.

Over the next few days class and court went on as scheduled.  The carpool put me very near, but not alone with Kristen and I found no opportunity to address something of a personal nature.  By the end of the first week I had pulled her quickly aside and said “at some point, I have something to say, kind of in response to something you said the other day.”  She was clueless as the remark for her was a throw away, but it stuck with me.  ‘Okay’ she told me and we went back to the class.  And for the remainder of the time I waited until the opportunity was right.  But the chance never presented itself.  I had to make one.

One conversation that I overheard during the carpool was how Kristen and another carpool member lived literally a couple houses away from each other in the same apartment complex.  Had she known I was paying as close attention to her personal details as I was, she probably wouldn’t have blurted out her address so quickly.  It’s also quite possible that because after the class was over she was done with school and leaving the apartment for good and didn’t care.  I prefer the version where I was sly.

So on the last day my car unloaded the pool for the last time and we went our separate ways.  After fifteen minutes or so I found myself parked next to Kristen’s car outside her house.  I walked up and knocked on her door.  She answered, surprised.  I had to reassure her that she told everyone where she lives, I did not stalk her.  At this point she remembered that I had something to say.

I quoted her earlier remark about Crohn’s disease and the part about being skinny.  She smiled upon remembering the remark and said quickly about how it was just a joke.  I gestured with my hands for her to hear me out, because if she didn’t believe that, even slightly, then she wouldn’t have said it.  So I told her,

“A remark like that undermines how truly gorgeous you really are... and I mean that.” 

She thanked me but apparently didn’t fall head over heels in love with me which left us just standing there.  My task was done. I had said what I wanted to say, which pleased her but it was time to move on.  She didn’t say goodbye so we chatted.  And in case you didn’t know, I’m a talker.  We talked and I let no awkward pauses fill our conversation, but with her leaving for home, where was it going to go?  We exchanged numbers and agreed to make an attempt to hang out again.  My attempt was whole hearted, hers was not I’m sure, and that’s not derogatory.  It was a weird situation in which I refused to let it be weird.  Had it gotten awkward I’d probably be ending this story with the proverbial ‘never heard from her again.’  It wasn’t and that’s why I still have the hope that I will get to see her devious beauty again sometime.

Jenny and Her Options

I am the only child of four that still lives in the same area as our mother.  The other three have moved off to other cities and I am left with the burden and pleasure of being a short drive away from ‘home.’  My mother stops by with little to no purpose; sometimes she brings food, sometimes a newspaper clipping.  One time she went above and beyond the standard call of motherly duty when she stopped by and told me that “I’ve found a girl for you.”

The girl was Jen and she did my mother’s hair, and as we know, little old ladies and their hairdressers get quite chatty.  I gathered information about what was said between the two of them about me.  Apparently I was brought up, strategically, around talks of Jen’s current dating situation; thankfully no baby pictures were involved.  It was agreed upon between my mother and Jen, that if I were to get in touch with her we would get acquainted.  Jen offered, after my mother quite perplexed I’m sure as to how, that Facebook was the place to meet.  Facebook, as a phone number, was new to me.

“She’s cute,” my mother said to me. “She has short brown hair and is really very pretty and cute.”  I didn’t put up much of a fight.

I looked Jen up as soon as my mother left, but had to plan a better time to ‘call’ then literally half of an hour after my mother got her hair cut.  I did however; look her up for some investigative purposes as soon as the door had closed behind my mother.  It turned out that Jen and I knew a lot of the same people.  A few of whom I was going to be seeing in a few days.

A friend of mine, Jeremy, had moved out of town and was coming to town for a visit.  He, his brother Corey, Eric (you’ve all met Eric before in earlier stories) and I were going to spend some time together.  All three of them knew Jen, so I sent a ‘Friend Request’ and went to see my friends… I made it a point to bring up Jen’s name.

Jeremy told stories of knowing Jen’s older brother and a running joke between them about when the ‘little sister’ grew up.  Corey added his input.

“I think if you can hook that up, you definitely should.” He said.

Eric said nothing.  He looked at me with a serious, stern face and nodded his head in a quiet approval.  I was not searching for approval for my mind was already made up in pursuance, it was interesting however, that three of my close friends knew her, yet I had no knowledge of her existence.  I went to work and had to wait anxiously to see if Jen would respond.

I got off work early that night and came home to find that Jen had accepted the request.  After a few minutes of staring at my computer the chat window popped up.  It was Jen and we exchanged hellos.

“Here’s the deal.”  My window exclaimed.  Upon reading this I knew the fate of Jennifer and I lay in the negative.  It’s rare that something good comes from a sentence that begins with ‘here’s the deal.’  Jen was at the very beginning stages of courtship with another man and felt it unfair to him if we pursued anything romantic.  I felt it unfair to me, to write me off without ever actually meeting me so I offered that we meet and hang out… as friends, and she could pick the pretenses.

“Ok,” she replied, “but just as friends.”

My affirming of this notion of ‘just as friends’ was in actuality a partial lie for even though I am capable of being ‘just friends’ with a women I had already attached an expectation to our meeting, and that was unfair to her.  I just didn’t want her to give up on me, before she actually met me.  But the ‘hang out’ stalled, and has yet to happen.

Jen and I did meet one day a few months later, but not under any of the pretenses we had discussed.  I was in the liquor store buying a bottle of wine when Jen and her now boyfriend walked by.  At first I attempted to remain anonymous because of the presence of her boyfriend.  I don’t think she saw me, and if she did then I don’t think she recognized me.  And if she did, then she wanted to remain anonymous as well.  As I stood in line I thought to myself.  ‘First, you’re being ridiculous and immature.  Second, this is a chance to meet her… who cares what the situation is?  Who knows when this opportunity will present itself again?’ So I walked over to Jen and her boyfriend and introduced myself.  It was a bit awkward for them I’m sure so I made it brief.  I complimented the man on his choice of whiskey, exchanged some banter and returned to my purchase. 

I have yet to get used to the idea that, with the popularity and vastness of online social networks, you can meet and get to know someone personally without ever actually meeting them.  So when the opportunity presents itself to talk to a girl as beautiful as Jen, regardless of the circumstances… you take it.  For it may be the only opportunity.  Jen and I are still connected virtually, and this story will be her birthday present.  But I am still left with the hope that the day in the liquor store was not our only meeting, whatever the pretenses.

Keri- Yes I Used the Word ‘Urine’

               I hurt my back one day at work and when you work for a warehouse the first thing they do for an injury is send you to the doctor.  Not out of concern for your well being, but to administer the drug test to see if they can remove themselves from the liability of paying you while you’re injured.  Why else would they administer a urine screening for a muscular back strain when lifting heavy things was what I was hired to do?  Keri was the nurse who administered the test and Keri was cute.  Keri was a few years older than me, a few inches shorter than me, and was dressed in those sexy hospital scrubs. My approaching Keri was not out of love or lust but merely out of the necessity to not let the ‘line’ go to waste.

                Keri was not the overseer of my first drug screening, as I had hurt myself like this before.  She was however, the first one in which I was allowed to watch.  After handing her the cup I was not excused from the room.  Keri, myself and another nurse stood there and watched my test turn the appropriate shade of a drug-free color.  While this was happening the three of us began to talk.  The talk was not overly flirtatious but there were some hints.  The talk went on for a few minutes until the test was concluded and I was dismissed.  No over the top signals from any party were expressed so I proceeded to make my exit.  There are several steps to checking out of a doctor’s office and along the way I noticed several other cute nurses but all banter-less.  The final step was the return appointment that I needed to have before I could return to work which was made and then I left. 

                As I drove off I was left to myself to assess the situation.  I thought about all of the nurses and which one I was going to ask out when I returned.  Then it dawned on me… a wonderfully obscure, but a uniquely me, way to ask a girl out but it could only be Keri.  I even went to a friend of mine at work, a man we affectionately called ‘Pappy’ or ‘Slappy’ or ‘Slap-Pap,’ and proposed the line and the situation to him.  He smiled and said “Only you J… only you.”  But I had to hope that she would be there on the day of my return.

                I did not see Keri in the office when I went back but I have to admit, because I wasn’t completely smitten with her, I started to forget what she looked like.  I knew vaguely who to search for.  I could rule out the blondes, the taller nurses, the ones with curly hair, etc. but couldn’t say for sure who I was looking for which made the task more difficult.  The doctor cleared me to resume normal work duties and again I was on my way to the check-out window.  I asked the nurses behind the desk about Keri and if she was working, not thinking how embarrassed I would be if she was in fact one of them and I didn’t know it.  This was not the case; Keri was working but was in another room.  At my request, one of the nurses went to fetch her.  I was relieved to, upon her arrival, recognize her.  I motioned to her to join me in the hall as I said it was “kind of a personal matter.”  She followed me up the hall a few steps but I had to stop as I realized that to get the desired privacy; we would have to travel to an uncomfortable distance so I stopped and turned to her and asked,

                “Do you remember me?” 

She nodded in the affirmative.   “Yeah you were in her last week.” 

“So you remember giving me a drug test, yes?”  I was stalling for my moment.

“Yeah.”  She replied.  “You passed!”  She said with sarcastic excitement.  And here was the moment I had been anticipating for a week.  I hoped I could quote myself exactly as I had it already worded perfectly. 

“So, my question for you is…”  I made sure and put plenty of simple drama behind the line. “Would something as intimate as handling my urine, prevent you from seeing me in a social situation… possibly a date?”  I watched in the next few seconds, as her confusion turned to the realization that she had just been asked out.  She looked at me and smiled.  She paused before she could say anything; I’m sure pondering what she had just heard.  I could tell, as her flattered smile met my smile of smugness, that this was quite an interesting experience for her, being as caught off guard as she was. 

“I’m… in a relationship right now.  But that was cute.  I’ve never been asked like that before.” 

“So it’s the relationship that prevents you from seeing me, not the urine?”  The smiles continued.

“That’s correct.” She replied. “Otherwise I would.” 

At this point I gave her my obligatory “no worries,” and “just thought I’d ask’s” and made for the door.  I couldn’t stop smiling as I drove off.  Partially because of how successful that endeavor was that for the rest of my life, I can say that I asked a girl out using the word ‘urine’ and didn’t get slapped and partially because I imagine her telling this story as much as I do.  It really was a special moment for both of us, even though it ended where it did.  Part of me was more interested in using the line than I was in Keri, but the larger part of me wanted Keri to say yes and continue the urine conversation.